It Came From The Man Cave!: 1 Bloody Brain

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Can Breast's With Teeth Be enough to Save Necropolis?

Necropolis: Legion
2019 | R | 1 Hr. 2 Min | Horror | Full Moon Features

Director:

Chris Alexander

Writers:

Chris Alexander

Brockton McKinney

Stars:

Augie Duke

Ali Chappell

Lynn Lowry

Synopsis:

A re-imagining of the 1986 Empire Pictures exploitation movie classic, NECROPOLIS: LEGION tells the tale of satanic vampire sorceress Eva, whose sexually-charged midnight rituals are interrupted when God-fearing local villagers burst into her lair and murder her. A century later, writer Lisa moves into the same cabin where Eva was executed, with the intent to write a book about the supposedly haunted spot's history. Soon, Lisa is having vivid, perverse dreams and slowly, surely, Eva begins taking over the young woman, using her body as a vessel to commit even more atrocities in the name of resurrecting an ancient monster from the underworld.

Boy, I really wanted to like Chris Alexander's short take on Vampires, but man this was disheartening. Most of the shortfall comes in the form of the story it's so weak and unpleasant to sit through. And I just praised the writing style of McKinney a few weeks ago as he is the same dude that wrote Weedjes! And an excruciating performance phoned in by Augie Duke along with bizarre performance within Ali Chappell's character does not help move the story along. Chappell plays a very stiff sorceress that comes off as unexcitable.

If there is a bright spot it comes in the form of SFX done up by Carlos Henriques and Juan Patricio. Even if silly the breasts with teeth that suck the souls out of there victims are cleaver. The other bright spot is the cinematography with a nice blend of colors and static shots show that Alexander has it in him, maybe he just needs a better script in front of him.

Sadly there is not enough to sink your teeth into, the dull story never seeks out your station nor does the acting. Looks can only get you so far. With only 2 of the Deadly Ten available to watch this one is a hard pass. With Femalien next on the list, I'm not sure I will re-up my subscription to Full Moon but hey it was fun while it lasted.

One Bloody Brain out of Five

Twas the Night Before Bah Humbug

Twas The Night Before Christmas
1977 | TV-G | 60 Min | Holiday | ABC

Director: Tim Kiley

Writers: Dick Clair, Jenna McMahon

Stars:

Paul Lynde

Foster Brooks

Alice Ghostley

'Twas the Night Before Christmas is a Christmas television special loosely inspired by the 1823 poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" by Clement Clarke Moore. It first aired December 7, 1977, on ABC.

The story is set on Christmas Eve in a New England town in the late 1890s. The Cosgrove family's home is in an uproar over the holidays. Clark Cosgrove is frazzled by the gift demands of his loud children. His wife Nellie runs into endless friction with Clark's formidable mother, who lives with them. Nellie's inebriated father and cat-loving mother arrive for the holiday, and tensions arise between the mothers-in-law. A German uncle has also arrived, but complications ensue when a traveling salesman is mistaken for the uncle. Adding to the tumult is a visit from a caroling neighbor (Anson Williams).

During the night, Clark's mother-in-law's cat escapes from the house and winds up on the roof. Clark goes to retrieve the cat and creates a ruckus, waking the house. When the children ask if the noise came from Santa Claus, Clark initially wants to dispel the myth of Santa Claus. Instead, he appeases them by reciting A Visit from St. Nicholas.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas was part of a series of ABC television specials starring Paul Lynde. Most notably the 1976 production of The Paul Lynde Halloween Special, relied on a sketch comedy revue format, 'Twas the Night Before Christmas retained a narrative format where Lynde and his castmates remained in character for the entire show. Lynde's casting as a relatively straight, dramatic lead fulfilled a longstanding wish of his for more serious roles.

This is so hard to watch Paul comes off as one big A-Hole! This special was so poorly received by both critics and the public - placing #30 in the Nielsen ratings - that it was never re-broadcast nor made available on VHS or DVD. Thanks to someone out there holding on to there old VHS struck gold by finding and posting this one to YouTube for the rest of us to see. Sadly the magic of the Halloween special was missing, leaving us with a lump of coal. I will leave a link below for the show so you can be the judge but you have been warned this one is a clinker!

1 Ninja Santa out of 5

To watch this train wreck click here

History's biggest disaster comes to an end?

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writers:

Thunder Levin

Scotty Mullen

Stars:

Tara Reid

Cassandra Scerbo

Jonathan Bennett

Ian Ziering

Fin has to go back in time to rejoin his shark-battling friends to stop the first Sharknado and save humanity.

Ugh where do I start, Ian Ziering is still hot and Cassandra Scerbo is hot and its another Sharknado movie I think. Yep, that is it. You guys know I love bad movies piled on the gooey cheese and I.m a happy man. But the final bow out of the cult phenomenon Sharknado is such a mess that I can not put into words. Bad acting dull special effects and one of the worst screen play's I have ever witnessed makes this the worst movie I have ever taken part in.

I'm not going to harp on it so let's say this should never have happened and I just don't understand why it did. The jokes even hurt this time around...grrr I don't like to be negative towards a movie so I will stop. The movie seems to be getting love from social media and fans of the series sadly this fan say's do not pass go!
Horrible...

Just going to add it to my blog to record what I watched this year.

Go Speed Racer Go!

Starring:

Simon Shocket

Nitzan Sitzer

Gabriella Lewis

Zach Cohen

Synopsis:

When a bolt of lightning hits their car, Speed and the gang find themselves 50 years in the future! Go, Speed Racer, Go!

Do you remember the god-awful Speed Racer Movie from 2008 staring the yummy Christina Ricci? If so do you remember saying to your self it could not get any worse than this? Well, kid's I'm here to tell you it does. Race to the Future is an Indian-American flash animated film based on Tatsuo Yoshida's Speed Racer manga franchise. And unlike Toonz's work on the second season of Speed Racer: The Next Generation, Race for the Future is set in the universe of the original animated series. Yep, I'm lost too and fear not it does not get any better.

Right out of the gate this movie could have dropped me to my knee's and scream why!!! The opening song... grrrr why would they change the iconic song like they did it hurt my ears so bad and put me in a lousy mood immediately. Even the movie changing the music up a bit was not bad nor that awful remake in the nineties but a rap group was not this bad but here it is screaming kill me.

Unlike using the anime-style tradition, which the Speed Racer series was known for, the film utilizes a different style of animation and it is not easy to watch. Flash Animation was cool way back in early days of video games but now not so much. They looked so goofy and chopping it really takes you out of the story and for me drove me a little crazy. Although this is what kids like these days yet I can not see any child sitting through a story about the future that talk's way above there heads.

I don't like to be negative when I talk about a film or tv show but sadly I can not come up with anything nice side to say about this. It's sad I love Speed Racer but this is a skip it at all cost's kind of show. This was on Con-Tv but I believe it is also free on Vudu but do not I repeat do not pay money to rent this one as you will not get your money back.

Sorry Speedy

One Infinity Gauntlet out of 5

Not so Funny Netflix!

Fred Armisen: Standup For Drummers
2018 | color | 1 Hour | Stand up Comedy | PG | Netflix

Comedian and drummer Fred Armisen perform stand-up material, music, and sketches for an audience of fellow drummers.

Now being a drummer myself I was very intrigued by this idea. With special guest's like Sheila E. to Greenday's Tre Cool, I decided to sit down to enjoy a little standup.

Hmm, not so sure what this is I'm watching but its safe to say Im not laughing. This guy is not funny at all and the drum jokes yeah I get it but no really?

I guess simply put if you like Fred Armisen (I could not get into Portlandia at all) you might like this but for me to you even if your a drummer skip this! I laughed a few times but hardly worth my time.

One Bloody Brain

Man's Best Friend Just Got Spooky!

The Great Halloween Puppy Adventure

Director:

David DeCoteau (as Mary Crawford)

Writer: Andrew Helm

Stars:

Evan Crooks

Stephanie Shemanski

Kristine DeBell

Eric Roberts

Susan Olsen

Light-hearted family adventure. Linda (Kristine DeBell) and her boyfriend Ted (Eric Roberts), along with Linda's son Adam (Evan Crooks) and girlfriend Molly (Stephanie Shemanski), are looking forward to their Halloween break. But events soon take an odd twist when Ted finds himself inhabiting the body of a loveable bulldog after Molly experiments with a spell found in an old dusty book.

Now Streaming on Amazon Prime

What the heck did I just watch? I feel dirty for some reason after watching this train wreck. Was this really for kids, because the sexual tension between the charters was a little hard to handle. How was this a Halloween movie?

So today the weather is cold and dark the perfect time for a Halloween film with the kids. We loved Spooky Buddies and I really like David DeCoteau's low budget entries into the Horror Realm. He is reasonable for Puppet Master 3 of all things! I have seen this movie floating around many of the streaming sites and have always wanted to check it out.

As the opening credits roll (In long form like most Full Moon Features) I was treated to some names that have a nice body of work. Like Harry Manfredini, you know the composer for Friday the 13th. And hitting the editing sweet Danny Draven who directed Reel Evil which is still one of my favorite Full Moon Features. The movie was written by Andrew Helm who seems to look to DeCoteau to direct most of his films also gave us A Talking Cat, Christmas Spirit, and Santa's Summer House.

Sadly Helm's story is so full holes that you just don't care about any of it. We get a teenager in College that is all about Halloween and his neighbor that is super cute helps with a spell that turns his mom's boyfriend into a dog. This all happens the night before Halloween and The day of but we would not know that from the background or the story thanks to a splash title screen we now know. Not so sure how Halloween play's into the story other than the kid liking Halloween and his girlfriend trying to be a Witch.

To the sexually frustrated mother gets a hair up her but to take a trip on Halloween to a cabin so she can work things out with her boyfriend. You know the ones that the teens just turned into a dog. Well, they all wake the next day to find a calm dog on the couch so they take it with them. Ok, first off if I was just turned into a dog I would not be this calm or happy! And once we get to the cabin (That takes forever in a long montage of roads with the three of them dubbed over so boring) we get some really odd scene of both couples. First Mom and the Dog pretty much make love through heavy petting and dog kisses but yet the dog is a female and the last time I checked Eric Roberts was a dude. This was so creepy and hard to watch I mean she gets down on the ground and eats grass with the dog!

Conveniently the other couple walks to the cabin next door that seems to know our college friend. She also seems to know the fact that she is a witch just like her. The new witch is played by Cindy Brady herself Susan Olsen. And thank god for her she was my favorite part of the whole story. So was so wacky and hippy like that she played her role perfectly. She tells the kids how to reverse the spell and they race back home to do so, you know because it is Halloween duh.

So lack of real storyline along with poor acting and a sesame street score that was so wrong matched with no real reason to call this a Halloween type of movie this was one of the worst things I have ever witnessed. Skip this at all cost's! If you have seen it let me know what you thought in the comments below.

A Half-Human Monster Stalks The Jungle!

Director:

Sam Newfield

Writers:

Raymond L. Schrock

Stars:

Richard Fraser

Maris Wrixon

Lionel Royce

Suspecting that a safari guide is a wanted killer, undercover policeman Geoffrey Bishop joins a safari led by the suspect for a scientist that hopes to find and prove that a fabled white gorilla is a missing link.

Do you want to know what really is the missing link here? Well to bad I'm going to tell you....ready? How about we start with the story and then move to the acting or lack of and maybe we can talk about a good 20 minutes that could have been cut from this movie?! Read on my friends read on...

Virgin Hunters 2

Director: Cybil Richards

Writer: Cybil Richards

Stars:

Jerry Banks

Drew Berrymore

Amber Newman

The Hunt is On in the Year 2099 in This Sequel to the Mega-hit Scifi Sex Romp, Virgin Hunters! Unsatisfied by Her Lex 500 Sex Robot, Mega-conglomerate Overlord and Supreme Commander of the World Alliance, Camella Swales, Has Banned All Forms of Sex. the Future is a Serene and Productive Place, But No One is Getting It On! the Government Has Laced the Food With Passion Suppressants, and the World is Full of Virgins. Enter the Alterrians: an Erotic Race of Virgin Hunting Sexual Predators. They've Come to Earth With One Thing On Their Minds, and They Won't Let a Worldwide Ban On Sex Stop Them from Enjoying Their Vacation. Teaming Up With Beth, Their Human Companion and Nymph in Training, the Virgin Hunters Set Out On an Orgasmic Mission of Galactic Proportions. Will They Overcome the Tepid Masses and Teach Humanity to Lust Again?

When Full Moon announced this movie and called the first one a cult classic I was all about checking it out. Virgin Hunters was a fun silly movie about sex being illegal. You can check out that review here. As for the sequel they went a completely different direction. Sadly it was nowhere near as much fun...

So once again a group of aliens wants to take a vacation to the exotic planet earth to have sex in all these wonderful locations. Ok fine, I will go with that but when they get here and nobody is or as ever had sex we get this odd plot about how sex is good and we should all be doing it. I don't know, I just do not know how to write this, ugh.

The locations look like a cheap porn flick from the early '80s and the outfits from the local salvation army. You just never get drawn in but sadly it was not the point. This movie was just a cheap rip off of a Cinemax after dark movie but even those have to look better than this.

The cast is ok but they are made up of a group of adult entertainers so they knew their way around each other's bodies. So they were easy to watch just the material they had was pointless and horrible. The soundtrack was odd 80's synth pop that just does not fit in at all.

I always look to Full Moon movies to put me in a good mood when I just want some silly fun. The first Virgin Hunters were fun to watch where the sequel fall's really short. The sex is boring the location's sucked and the cast was uncomfortable and sadly they are making a third one. I'm sorry to say skip this in the worst way. Sausage Party was better than this one and that is sad.

One Bloody Brain

Make sure to check out Virgin Hunter by clicking HERE hint it was much better than this.

She's got buns, son

Directors:

Greg Tiernan

Conrad Vernon

Writers:

Kyle Hunter

Ariel Shaffir

Stars:

Seth Rogen

Kristen Wiig

Jonah Hill

The products at Shotwell's Grocery Store are made to believe a code that helps them live happy lives until it's time for them to leave the comfort of the supermarket and head for the great beyond. However, after a botched trip to the great beyond leaves one sausage named Frank and his companion Bun stranded, Frank goes to great lengths (pun intended) to return to his package and make another trip to the great beyond. But as Frank's journey takes him from one end of the supermarket to the other, Frank's quest to discover the truth about his existence as a sausage turns incredibly dark. Can he expose the truth to the rest of the supermarket and get his fellow products to rebel against their human masters? Source IMBD

So how many hot dog into your bun's slash pot jokes can you take in one movie? Read on my fellow readers read on.....

"Get me an umbrella and I'll sleep on the roof!"

Director: Frank R. Strayer (as Frank Strayer)

Writer: Robert Ellis

Stars:

Rex Lease

Vera Reynolds

Sheldon Lewis

A doctor, who keeps an ape for medical studies, dies and his daughter inherits his estate. Her uncle, a paralytic, working through his natural son by the housekeeper, plans her death, and the ape may or may not be involved. However, the plan does have a problem or two in its execution. Source IMDB

If you headed to the Man Cave from the Hot and Bothered 1932 film blogathon "Welcome I hope you enjoy your visit." IF you are a regular around here do not forget to check out the other's over at Once Upon a Screen for more!

Terror is coming home for Christmas

On the Sixth Day of Creepmas, The Krampus gave to me 24 dead bodies.

Director:

James Plumb

Writers:

Andrew Jones

James Plumb

Stars:

Adrienne King

Lee Bane

Sule Rimi

The abandoned home of Wilfred Butler, a wealthy but troubled man who committed suicide, has been willed to his grandson, Jeffrey. But an Axe wielding maniac has set up residence in the house - and he doesn't take kindly to strangers.

What a killer poster that is right? And scream queen Adrienne King too! How could we go wrong with this 2013 remake of 1972's Silent Night Bloody Night? The only way to be wronged is to watch this big pile of fruit cake! That poster art will fool the best of us and I'm here to save you!!

VHS Wednesday with the Duckmen

From the flooded timber of Louisiana to the corn fields of Washington State and on to Montana, join the family of Duckmen as they pursue their first love- DUCKS. Listen to their exact hen calling skills and watch in awe at their phenomenal shooting skills. The Duckmen are a breed apart, for sure! Become one with them as they do what they to best- CHASE 'EM DUCKS!

Ok, Ok calm down and admit it most of you watched the train wreck tv show Duck Dynasty. I don't watch much TV and I watched the dang show. So when I found an odd looking VHS tape with them on it before they were stars I thought hey why not! The first five minutes fills the screen with ducks floating in the air and then suddenly falling from the sky. At first I thought hey not bad these boys can really shoot. Then more of the same for almost ten minutes now. Hmm, I'm not much of a hunter and I seem to have been wrong about this tape.

Fall Harvest on Hallmark Channel

Director:

Peter DeLuise

Writers:

J.P. Martin

Ron Oliver

Stars:

Willie Aames

Tony Alcantar

Lynda Boyd

After her family has to file for bankruptcy, a young woman moves to the country in hopes of fixing up a struggling pumpkin farm that her father bought as an investment. Hoping to get the family back on their feet financially, she finds purpose and love.

Yes, I have a soft spot in my heart for love story's too! So this year when I heard Hallmark was running a few Fall Harvest movies I was more than happy to give them a shot. Like most families and households in America, Halllmark Channel will be on for hours on end in December watching Christmas movies. Hallmark had four movies this year, but I only caught two of them. Like all the other Hallmark movies, they are pretty predictable and you can pretty much figure out the outcome in the first 20 minutes. The hard part would have to be can the movie keep you interested the rest of the time.

I think Willie Aames has aged well

Who will survive?

Source: ConTV

Director: James Nguyen

Writers: James Nguyen

Stars:

Alan Bagh

Whitney Moore

Plot:

A platoon of eagles and vultures attacks the residents of a small town. Many people die. It's not known what caused the flying menace to attack. Two people manage to fight back, but will they survive Birdemic?

How the hell do you review a $10,000 crap fest that took 4 years to make and has a cult following! You don't this movie sucks butt in so many ways. The only saving factor was I watched the version on ConTv with the guys from Riff Tracks. At least the jokes made this movie somewhat watchable. James Nguyen made the actress wear bikinis during the make-out scenes because he did not want the couples to actually have sex. The birds or so bad they don't really move just float around kind of attacking people. The acting is notorious to the point of them being the butt of most jokes.

Shock and Terror I guess