They don't work for Santa anymore!

Elves
1989 | Color |89 Minutes | 1.37.1 | PG-13 | Horror | Stereo |  Action International Pictures

Source: You Tube on Roku

Director: Jeffrey Mandel

Writer: Jeffrey Mandel

Stars: 

Dan Haggerty

Julie Austin

Deanna Lund

Plot:

A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil Nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.

Still getting through the holiday leftovers here in the cave, sorry folks. Last week I finally found this lost gem that was on my Christmas must see bucket list. Thanks to Zena's  review I knew this was one to track down. Thank god for the little channel called YouTube. What would we do without it. Not sure why I looked there just a whim I guess. So I fired up the Roku popped some corn and away I went.

This was hand's down the oddest movie that I have ever seen. So here we go trekking into the woods after snagging grandpa's book of spell's or something like that. Why not go into the woods it's still the 80's and that's what you do right. Wouldn't you know it she set in motion the start of an Elves army. Which makes me wonder why they picked Christmas. It all center's around the lead girl and the dang moon. Christmas must have been a marketing tool. It definitely would have been less confusing.

“Santa said, ‘Oral.'”

And to confuse you more Kristen meets "Grizzly Adam's" Himself Dan Haggerty who plays a washed up boozing ex detective that she keeps calling Santa throughout the whole dam movie. Why, he was dressed like him for oh maybe 12 seconds.

So this evil little Elf at first is protecting our cute starlet from the bad guys. From things like the odd shower scene where her brother is checking her out. After he is caught spying proclaims in his defence that “You’ve got big fu*%ing tits and I'm gonna tell everyone that I saw ‘em!”. What, your her brother you sicko. But way to go now your going to get a visit from a creepy elf on the shelf. Just like Santa with get stabbed in the nutcracker for hitting on her. Mr. Mendel are you OK? Did you have a bad childhood and this is your way to cope?? I wonder if insets was part of his life growing up?

Any way getting back to the plot the best I can. Why couldn't this movie just be more straightforward. Nazis need a virgin with the same bloodline to get impregnated (On Christmas Eve non the less) so they could create this master demon race to take over the world. Even though it did not work with her mother somehow it is her daughter that is next in line.

I want to tell you I hated this movie but, well I can't. Why, I guess I'm a sick twisted man. I enjoyed the very cute cast that never really went on to do anything else. The Elf was not a bad idea. I get trying to cash in on the Critters/Ghoulies crowd. The first half of this movie was well paced and kept me going. But...yes there is a butt. The back half of the movie slows down to a snail's pace. If they could have kept it strong this just might have found its way onto DVD or Blu-Ray by now.

The elf is a little lame for an early 90's late 80's movie that kind of feels like a puppet on a stick. And, why call it Elves with only one it's not like she ever had sex with this thing so the evil army is not coming or is it? I did like the feel of a downtown department store it reminds me of the good old days of Christmas past long before the shopping mall craze. Not much on the music or score front just your run of the mill Christmas music to set the mood. And nudity yeah it is there in the form of the mother and some really bad stunt doubles boobs. The young girls do tease the young boys that might have watched this in the theatre. For a PG-13 movie you also get your fair share of potty mouth dialogue.

I'm not going to tell you to watch this movie its not for everybody but, for me it was not bad. It made me feel like a senior in high school after just getting home from the video store ready to watch a gore fest. I love Christmas movies almost as much as Halloween and was glad to finally sit and watch this and check it off the list. Leaving "Feeders 2" as one of the only Christmas Slashers I have not seen.

So if you believe I give Elves...

3 Bloody Brains out of 5!